I Love Her, I Hate Her
by Hikari M666
Summary: COMPLETE James loves Lily. But he hates her too. How can you hate the one person you truly love?
1. I Love Her

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_siriusly137_

EN: I've gotten into one-shots now, but this is more like a two-shot. Part 2 will follow shortly…Well, thank you for reading! Please review!

For bondariana and tuathail, my fanfiction buddies!

The usual disclaimer, you know how that goes…

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Even her name is perfect. Lily Janet Evans. Excuse me a moment while I say it out loud.

Lily Janet Evans.

Lily Janet Potter.

That sounds even better, if I say so myself. Is it too early to start suggesting our children's names?

Hey, don't say it'll never happen – especially you Padfoot, if you somehow got your hands on this (I curse you, you flea-ridden sneak). It _will_ happen. It would be criminal for it not to, with me being so smitten by her. Smitten, is that even still a word or did it go out of fashion two thousand years ago?

Well, I am smitten. Who says you can't find true love at fifteen? It just took me a lot less time to discover our love than her. But I hope she realises soon – we're too perfect for each other for her to keep hating me.

Lily Janet Evans. I love her.

What isn't there to love? She has long, silky red hair, the most perfectly almond-shaped green eyes, a slim waist and slender legs, and her measurements are so perfect that my arm is just the right height to go around her shoulders without having to move it up or down. She even smells nice. Like – believe it or not – lilies.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by her perfectness (is that a word? I'll ask Moony…okay, it's not). Overwhelmed, and possibly overshadowed too. That's right. Moi, overshadowed. Believe it or not, I usually find at least one way that I'm better than someone else, and Lily's the first person I've encountered with whom I can't find a single thing that makes me better. Maybe she's _too_ perfect – even for me. Especially for me. How could someone with her gorgeous strawberry locks ever be imperfect enough to take a chance on a guy with a messy black mop for hair like me? How could those sparkling emerald eyes stand to gaze into my dull hazel, reflected-through-glasses ones? And how could she, with her floral fragrance, ever bare my smell of – well, the less said about that the better.

God, I have so many flaws compared to her. Flaws! I've never noticed them in myself until now. Honestly, I used to _like_ the way my hair stuck up at the back. Now the only way to _stop_ it being that way is to mess it up like I've just been flying. And I'm sure as hell not going to tell Sirius that I'm feeling insecure about my looks…I'll just tell him that messy hair attracts girls more.

Did I say insecure? I've _never_ been insecure before. Why am I now?

It's Lily. Lily Janet Evans.

She's so good she makes me feel bad about myself! That is not fair! It's so – help me out here Moony – undignifying (undignifying? Are you sure, Moony? I think it's getting too close to full moon for you to help my English…) But it is undignifying. How can she do this to me? I was much happier when I wasn't insecure. She's not worth this horrible feeling. She's not. I _hate_ feeling like this.

I hate it. I HATE it.

And I hate the way someone else _made_ me feel like this.

Her.

Lily Janet Evans.

I hate her.


	2. I Hate Her

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba, formerly siriusly137_

EN: This is Part 2 of the story, still following James' strange thoughts. Originally it was a one-shot, then a two-shot, and then I remembered I have a third part that can either be a separate story or a continuation! That will take some deciding…

Well, thank you for reading! Please review!

For bondariana and tuathail, my fanfiction buddies!

The usual disclaimer, you know how that goes…

I can't even bare to say her six syllables anymore. I think I've forgotten how to spell them. (I ask Sirius how; he laughs and says those are the only syllables I will never forget. Thanks a bunch, Sirius.)

Fine. Lily Janet Evans.

She's poison to this parchment. Maybe I should've written it in invisible ink.

What isn't there to hate about her? She absolutely loathes the sight of me, for one, so that means that even her being beautiful is a bad thing. But don't get the wrong idea just because I said beautiful; you can be poisonous and beautiful at the same time, and she is.

Another this to hate – she stood up for Snape not too long ago. Stood up for Snape against _me._ He called her a – I shouldn't write it, but I've already written one horrible name here – Mudblood. God I hate him. But Evans didn't curse him, jinx him, or even yell at him. Nope. She yelled at _me._

But the thing I hate most is the way she makes me feel. And before you get any sick ideas, no she doesn't make me feel like I've – like I've flown into Heaven and met an angel or anything stupid like that. She makes me feel insecure, like I'm not good enough for anyone, especially her. I mean, my black hair that's all over the place, next to her silky red hair that always stays where it's meant to.

My dull greeny-brown eyes behind gross glasses, next to her free, perfectly almond-shaped, sparkling emeralds.

No one could match her, really. If she makes me feel bad about myself, she must make everyone feel bad about themselves. She's too perfect…that's the problem.

Too perfect? How can someone I hate be too perfect?

Hmm…okay, I've thought about it, and I've decided to reword that. Well, not reword, exactly – just order the same words differently. So instead of, 'How can someone I hate be too perfect,' I'm going to make it: 'How be can I hate someone too perfect?'

Well, English was never my strong point. That's Remus' job, but he's with Madam Pomfrey (full moon yesterday).

So, how can I hate someone too perfect? I can't.

Then how can I hate Evans – Lily? I guess I can't.

Was it really so horrible when I loved her? It can't have been, or I wouldn't have kept it up for so long. Did she really make me feel so bad about myself that I would hate her – _her,_ the one girl I always loved?

Did I just say loved? _Twice?_ Wow.

Maybe I should invisibilify (that _has_ to be a word) what I'm about to write. I'll regret not doing it later, I'm sure, if Sirius somehow gets his hands on this. Because I'm not sure that I hate her. That was a very spur-of-the-moment thing. In fact, I might even like her again. Just a little.

Ah, who am I kidding.

Lily Janet Evans. I love her.


	3. I Hate Him

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba, formerly siriusly137_

EN: I cave, I cave…I'm so happy that I can upload my stories again after my major computer malfunctions that I'm updating everything ASAP. I'll regret it once I've run out of material, but anywho…

Part 3! A part I only just realised existed. And – oh no, I'm going to murder myself – would you believe it, it's possible to make it a FOUR-shot! Aaargh! This story will drag on forever, won't it? Ah well…

I think I'm done with James' POV, unless this turns into a 10 chapter thing or something, gods forbid…but this chapter and (if it exists) the next chapter are the thoughts of those around him, noticing his behaviour. This one's Lily's.

The usual disclaimer, you know how it goes…

Thank you for reading! Please review!

* * *

Do not freak out, I tell myself. You will find it.

I've lost my diary, so I've had to resort to writing on this piece of old parchment I found in the Common Room. It's gross, it looks like it's been ripped out of a mouldy book. But I _have_ to write, or else I'll go crazy. But I can't stop worrying about my diary – what if Black found it? I happen to know he makes a habit of reading people's diaries and broadcasting the contents to everyone he knows!

Okay, Lily, breath. Just breath. I'm sure I'll find it, but I'm not sure that it will have been kept private by the time I do. Okay, I'm rambling. I'll just write this entry, then hide it in my trunk until I can put it in my diary.

Potter is _such_ a freak. I know I say that every time I write, but it's just so true! He likes me, okay, that's bad enough, but does he have to be so embarrassing about it? The first time he sent me a valentine I thought it was cute, but this year even his friends thought he took things too far. Surely anyone else would have had enough sense to know that I would be fatally humiliated if a singing suit of armour followed me around calling me, 'The Fair Maiden.' Honestly.

Bloody Potter. How thick can you get?

But I didn't write just to complain about him. Well, maybe I did. Sort of.

He's been acting weird for the last couple of days. On Thursday he was his normal, arrogant, embarrassing, pigheaded – I'll stop now – self, but yesterday, Friday, he wasn't. We were (forcibly) paired up for Charms class, and I was terrified that he would find some new way to make me wish I was an inch tall, but he didn't! In fact, he didn't even try and talk to me! I was shocked.

But don't get me wrong! I wasn't disappointed or anything! I was…pleasantly surprised. It was really different to have a day without Potter's annoyances; a lot quieter. Until of course Black made his giant quill chase after me and tickle me! He made a fool of me in my favourite class! I couldn't say which one I hate more, Black or Potter.

Potter laughed at me when that happened. He _laughed_ at me! I couldn't believe it! Normally he would've – challenged Black to a duel or something in order to protect me (sad though that is). He was acting as though he hated me, instead of liked me. I was rather put out by that, obviously, but I always am when I think someone hates me.

He was like that all day. Transfiguration's my worst subject and for the first time ever, he didn't offer to give me private lessons. Unbelievable!

But I did _not_ miss his attention. At all.

I should've known it was too good to last, though. Today he was back to normal again. He decorated the Common Room with streamers that spelled, "I Heart Lily," and he 'borrowed' the megaphone from the Quidditch Pitch to make the announcement to the whole school.

Stupid Potter. At least I know that he'll never change for more than a day.

He shouldn't change, though; no one should change. I tell people that all the time, they should be true to themselves. Even if Potter is an arrogant jerk he shouldn't change that. I think that by turning him down so often though I've been making him insecure and want to change. Which is not good.

I mean, just because I hate his guts doesn't mean he should change. He shouldn't. He should never change.

But I _do_ still hate him.

* * *

This was written a lot faster than the first 2 chapters, so I'm sorry if it's not the same standard…please tell me if I should do Part 4, which – if posted – will be from the diary-reading Sirius' POV. Actually, I'm rather setting this up to be a proper story, aren't I? Maybe I should just write another few chapters…

Please tell me your ideas there!


	4. He Worries Me

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

EN: Wow, the response has been great! Everyone who reviewed, thank you sooooo much! You guys are great, and just for you there's a Part 4!

The usual disclaimer, you know how that goes…

* * *

Good day, I'm James Potter, absolutely _smitten_ by one Lily Evans. I'm in love with her, always have been, always will be. I want to hug her, kiss her, stalk her, and have babies with her.

Okay, I'm sure you've established by now that this isn't James Potter, and that it is in fact Sirius Black.

I've been doing a little light reading of my second favourite novel, James' diary. It's ten times more enthralling than Peter's diary, yet it's just not up to the standard of Lily's – that thing is great, and it's in my pocket right now (she's probably freaking out looking for it). Let's not even get into Remus'…all the werewolf stuff is pretty disturbing written down. Poor guy. But back to my reading James' diary. It was SICKENING! I've never seen a _guy_ write how a girl's name looks with his surname. I think the Bludgers got him a bit too often this year.

I am legitimately worried about him. I think he's stalking Lily – she doesn't even like him! Truth be told, Prongs, she likes ME. I pitched him that idea last night, and he speared me with his antlers. If your name isn't Moony, Wormtail or Prongs, then that is purely metaphorical.

But he only antlered me because he didn't have any evidence otherwise, whereas I had read dear Lily's diary. Is it true she likes me? Of course not. She hates me. She likes Snape. Shudder. Okay, I won't even joke about that anymore – imagine a girl preferring _Snivellus_ to _me! _Intolerable!

Okay, back to James' diary again. I must say, James' perceptions of us all need some serious second opinions. Especially all the stuff he wrote about ME. He said I have fleas! How dare he! I'm insulted. I'm the cleanest little animal at Hogwarts and he knows it. And how dare he also suggest that I read his diary! I know I _did_, but it's one thing to do, quite another to suggest! And I didn't do it because I'm a sneak; I did it because I have Jamesey's best interests at heart. Plus he left it on his bed last night when he took a shower.

I must admit, I found it quite intriguing to find out that he actually hated Lily at one point. Well, for one day anyway. I just _knew_ something was wrong when they were paired up in Charms and nothing at all went wrong! That is, until I made it go wrong. I thought little Jamesey was ill, and asked Remus if he remembered biting him the day before. Even when he's in the hospital wing, Remus can punch pretty hard.

Ha! I can see little Lily tearing about the Common Room looking for something. I wonder, could she be looking for a certain diary? I wonder, if I rip a page out of James' diary and leave it lying around, will she find it? Let's give it a shot…

Success! She picked it up! But – oh, she didn't read it. She – oh god I don't believe it – she's _writing_ on the back! She's made a makeshift diary! Unbelievable! Was it so hard to just turn it over and read?

Ah well. She'll discover that it has James'entry on the other side sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. I wonder, what will she do when that happens?

* * *

Ooo, so now there's a bit of a storyline happening...how do you like it?


	5. He Hates Me?

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

EN: gasp! I can't believe that a fifth chapter for this actually exists! How long will it be? Even I, the all-powered authoress have no clue…

Thank you too all reviewers so far – Yingfa Dreamer, Xbakiyalo, J.E.A.R.K. Potter, BlondeGinny05, and wannabe-hermione (I'M SO SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE) – because if there were no reviews, there would be no more inspiration for another chapter.

The usual disclaimer, you know how that goes…

* * *

Three days. I was without this diary for THREE DAYS! Who knows how much Black could have read in that time…because I know it was him who stole it. He didn't exactly try to keep it secret, did he? On the back page, he left a review saying how much he liked reading it. Ha ha. I hate him so much.

But at least I don't have to write on a piece of dirty old parchment again. Anyone could just pick up a piece of parchment and throw it out – or worse, read it.

People are so nosy. One look at parchment like that – like _this_, I should say, since I'm holding it in my hand – and they just _have_ to know what it says. I'm not like that. I wouldn't take a second glance at some old paper lying around. This parchment that I used as a temporary diary could have secret plans for world domination written on the back and I wouldn't have looked. Not that it has anything written on the back. I didn't look, of course, but I'm certain all the same.

Well…maybe I should take a quick peek, just in case. But nothing's going to be written there. Someone was just doing their homework in the Common Room and dropped a bit of spare parchment. As if I'll find – oh!

No way! _No way! _There _is_ something on the back! I wrote on somebody else's paper! And if I give it back to them, they'll see my diary entry! But if I don't give it back, some poor person will get a zero in an assignment, and they're probably horrified that it's missing. Oh no, oh no, what am I supposed to do?

Maybe I should read it, and copy it somewhere else for the owner. That would be the best thing to do. Except then I'd have to read it, and they might think I was copying their work! But I'd have to read it anyway, to find out who it belonged to…I'm trapped here! It's either read it or read it! But everyone will think I'm an awful snoop...

It sickens me, but I guess I don't have much choice. I'll have to read it.

…

Funny. This doesn't look like an assignment. As a matter of fact, it is definitely _not_ an assignment. I've only read the first sentence, so I could be wrong, but to me this seems more like a _diary_ entry.

I mean, how many essays start with the words,_ "I can't even bare to say her six syllables any more,"_?

So I have my diary entry on the back of somebody else's diary entry. And now I am _reading_ that person's diary entry. I've never felt like such a snoop in my life! What do I do now? I can't read it, obviously, but I can't keep it either! Whoever's diary this is out of is probably freaking out, just like I freaked out when I lost mine! But I can't give it back, because then they'll have my diary entry on the back…and I couldn't give it back anyway because I don't know whose it is…what can I possibly do?

I can think of one solution, but it's a really really bad one. It would involve reading enough of the parchment to know who it belongs to, and then discussing the problem with them.

It's a terrible idea, but what else can I do?

…

Oh, merlin. I'm three sentences in and I know who owns it.

Potter.

Bloody Potter. Of course something of his _would_ cause me such a problem. Although when you think about it, it's kind of funny. Potter keeping a diary.

Now, if the parchment belonged to anyone else, anyone else in the world, I would have no qualms about this – normally I would never do such a thing – but would it be so terrible of me to read on? I mean, it's only Potter, after all…I won't read much, just a quick peek…

Ugh. It mentions me.

Although not quite in the way I would have expected…

As a matter of fact, it's not very nice about me at all. But I thought – I could've sworn…

He says he hates me.

Clearly, just like that. Things like, _"What isn't there to hate about her?"_ And then it goes on listing my faults. I had no idea he didn't like me, much less that he hates me. I mean, the only reason I hate _him_ is because he pretends to be totally in love with me all the time…wait – one day last week he was being nastier than usual, not acting like he liked me for once. Was that how he really feels? And everything else is just an act?

I don't want to keep reading this. I'm not going to finish it. I'm putting it in my bag and first thing tomorrow I'll throw it away. I don't care that it has two diary entries on it, if it's that hurtful then I don't want it anywhere near me.

Why does it affect me so much? I mean, it's just Potter…and I hate him, so why would I care if he hates me too? And I know that some of the other girls in my year hate me, so being hated shouldn't bother me at all…but for some reason I'm really really hurt by this.

I don't understand it.

He hates me…

* * *

…no, Lily, no! _Keep reading the diary entry and you'll know the truth!_ Noooo…why, oh why did she stop reading it? Oh, right, I wrote it that way…but I had to, it's vital for the newly created plot! 


	6. I DO Love Her!

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

EN: Okay, now I am in the unfortunate position of having to think of where this story is going and where it shall end. This is where it gets hard…and also where it jumps back to James' POV, in case it's not clear enough.

Thank you too all reviewers so far – you guys rock – and thanks Laura, for saying you wanted to know what happens next :)

The usual disclaimer, you know how that goes…

* * *

Well, I am officially confused. 

Lily is a weird, weird girl. I thought that after all my observations I knew everything about her, but apparently I was wrong, because she is acting extremely strange and I don't know why. To show the world just how strange she was today, I will show you two conversations. The first is a normal day, when I happen to sit near her at lunch.

ME: Good afternoon, Lily. Have I told you lately that I love you?

HER: Get stuffed, Potter. Just give up already.

ME: (Walks away).

Now compare that to _today's_ conversation…

ME: Good afternoon, Lily. Have I told you lately that I love you?

HER: Yes you have, but I know it's all just a big act.

ME: (Looks confused). I _do _love you.

HER: (looks like she'll cry and runs away).

I don't get it.

Maybe she got some really bad news from home this morning, like her parents are getting divorced, and she's feeling really unloved or something. Or maybe her sister did something. I happen to know her sister is quite a nasty piece of work. So she was feeling unloved, and told me that I didn't love her because she thinks nobody loves her. That's slightly weird. Girls and their funny emotions, I don't understand them.

But then, that's only the case if she got some bad news from home. I have no guarantee that that's what happened. What else might be wrong…she wasn't angry, so it can't be a mood swing, right? What else can make a girl cry when you tell them you love them? I'm so lost…ah! Here comes Moony, he'll help me out…

…

Moony's reasons why Lily cried and told me I didn't love her:

1. Something bad happened to her earlier.

2 She's trying to make me feel guilty about annoying her so much.

3. She honestly doesn't think I love her.

I don't think it could be any of them, even after what I said about her sister! I've seen people react to bad news, and usually they want all the love they can get. They don't turn down love! And as if she'd be trying to make me feel guilty…I'm James Potter! I don't feel guilty, ever! And AS IF she thinks I don't love her! I've done nothing BUT love her for years! Well, except for that day last week...but that hardly counts.

Maybe I should rip that diary entry out of this book and toss it in the fire, just to be absolutely certain that it hardly counts.

…

Uuuh, is it just me, or am I missing that entry?

Because it's not in here.

James, do not go crazy. You have not lost it.

Then again…

I. Have. Lost. My. Diary. Entry. This. Is. Not. Good.

How can a page just disappear from a book? This is impossible! I mean, I could understand it if the whole book went missing; someone would have stolen it. But just one page…

Wait a second.

Page saying I hate Lily is gone.

Lily saying I don't love her.

I am getting a hunch here, but I really, REALLY hope I'm wrong.

No way. Why would ANYONE, especially Lily, steal a single page from my diary? It wouldn't make sense. It wouldn't happen. Ever.

And it couldn't be that anyway, because at the end of the page it says that I love Lily again. The only way that my horrible idea could be right was if she stole that one page, and didn't even bother to read the whole thing. Neither of which is likely.

Impossible. Two totally unconnected events.

James, do not go crazy.

It's not possible.

* * *

James can really put two and two together, eh? And have you noticed that my theme for a lot of the chapters is denial, denial, denial? Just mentioning… 


	7. She WILL Love Him!

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

Dani Wheeler-Kaiba

All right, chapter seven…Sirius' POV, thankfully, I'm sure you were all missing him ;)

Sorry it took me longer than usual to update – I had a major mental blank while writing my other story and couldn't give up until I'd finished that last chapter of it. But this one's up now, and I'll try not to take that long again!

The usual disclaimer, you know how that goes…

* * *

How am I today, you ask? Well of course you don't ask, you're a diary.

But how am I today, you hypothetically ask?

I am not well.

Not well at all. Sure, I'm as handsome as ever, but that's neither here nor there at the moment (because there's no girls around).

I am not well because my plan seems to have not worked as well as I'd hoped. You know, the plan where Lily reads one of Jamesey's diary entries, and she realises he is hopelessly in love with her instead of just liking to annoy her. Thus, she would fall hopelessly in love with him too.

But something hasn't worked out right, and it will be an insult to my great planning skills unless I find out why!

Lily has been keeping extra security on her diary, so unfortunately I haven't received her views on the matter, but it isn't too hard to see that she has been giving poor Jamesey the cold shoulder – I mean, more than usual. My only explanation is that she read the entry and decided that he was even more deluded than she thought!

She is _so_ heartless.

But that wouldn't explain why she cried when James told her he loved her. Maybe she's cracking up? So much love being forced upon her that she can't take it any longer? How melodramatic! I want to turn it into a book someday.

I haven't been bothered looking at James' diary again yet. No time to read about, "Boohoo Lily's been sad therefore I am sad because I love her so much boohoo." Yawn. It wouldn't help any.

Well, I am not going to just stand around while one of my master plans is being foiled before my very eyes! I need to come up with a _different_ plan, a _better_ plan. One that will make Lily fall in love with James, and every other girl in the world fall in love with me. Personally I'm hoping for an American one (their accents are so hot). But back to the real issue…what should I do?

I suppose I could go for the old, send-each-one-a-note-saying-it's-from-the-other-one, but I don't think that would help anything. James sends Lily notes all the time and she only screws them up and throws them away.

Enchant some mistletoe so that whichever pair goes underneath it are FORCED to kiss each other? Could have nasty repercussions. Must keep in mind for next Christmas, though.

Hmm….

…

…

…

AHA!

And the light turns on! I know EXACTLY what to do!

I knew my brilliant mind wouldn't fail me.

Now, this new plan of mine…

Well, my original plan was for Lily to read James' diary, correct? Why _am_ I asking you; you're my diary…But ANYWAY. So I'm assuming she _did_ read it, because she's been acting really different towards James all of a sudden.

So my fantastic idea is…I am going to write MY OWN diary entry, created for the sole purpose of being read by Lily!

Allow me to explain. I write something – I fill it with stuff saying, "James is too over-the-top about liking Lily, he should tone it down a bit. But he DOES like her, and he's a really nice guy," blah, blah, blah – and then leave it somewhere for Lily to read. Seemed to work last time. God Lily's a snoop. Honestly, reading other people's diaries!

And Lily will never know that I did it on purpose. She will realise James really loves her, and will come running to him declaring her undying love in return.

I'm so brilliant.

Now, to write that diary entry…

James has been really sad lately. It's obvious why: Lily's rejecting him with even more force than before. Shame, really – I know he's a bit over-the-top sometimes when it comes to that girl, but he really does like her. Love her, in fact.

_Lily seems to think that he just says that to annoy her. But it's not true; he does it because he can't think of any other way to make his love known. Lily should loosen up a little and give him a chance._

_She should really make sure that she takes James seriously. HE REALLY DOES LIKE HER.._

_So no matter what she thinks, she has to understand that James isn't just an annoying idiot. He's a very nice guy, and Lily should be very happy that he loves her and return that love._

I know, it's fantastic, isn't it? I'll leave it in the same place as last time…that way she's bound to find it.

Why is it that my ideas are always so amazing? Sometimes I startle myself.

* * *

Ahem All those who find Sirius the _slightest, tiniest_ bit egotistical, raise your hand.

Now, all those who think he made it the _slightest, tiniest _bit unsubtle?

I thought as much.

And just so you know, I'm not American. The American girls comment had nothing to do with me.But in so many things I've seen, English guys really love American girls, especially their accents. I don't know if it's actually true, but anywho...


	8. I Love Him?

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

JAsus – it's been ages since I've updated! But I kept getting inspired to start new stories, instead of completing my older ones…as a result I now have about 5 unfinished stories on my paper…plus 2 on this site…oh well, I'm updating now, and that's all that counts!

Back to James' diary this time…

* * *

I love Sirius.

Okay, I only realise now that that looks _really _wrong. But there's no other way to put it – he is the greatest person alive at this moment! I guess I should explain…

Well, this morning I went downstairs into the Common Room, and Sirius was sitting on one of the couches, writing in what looked like his diary. I laughed at him for a while, because he always says that diaries are for girls and ponces, so that was a pretty good start to the day already. Then, while I was laughing, he said to me, "Yeah, well you'd better stop laughing right now or I won't help you with your love life any more!"

So I stopped, of course, because I had no clue what he was on about. What help with my love life was he giving me? When I asked him, he just ignored me and went back to his writing. I sat over the other side of the room, because I was feeling a bit annoyed with him for keeping me in the dark. A little while later, he stood up, and ripped a page out of his diary.

I asked, "What the hell are you doing over there?"

He just answered, "Saving your life."

I don't like cryptic comments. So I yelled at him for a bit. Not sure exactly what I said – something about him being a stupid dog or something. He ignored me. I think he knows by now I'm not really a morning person.

Then, he carefully put the page he ripped from his diary on the floor, at the foot of one of the couches. Hey, I know that couch – it's Lily's favourite couch! Just so you know.

Anyway. Sirius said to me, "Don't touch that." And he went downstairs to have breakfast.

Sometimes I wonder if he was just trying to reverse psychology me, because if he had said that to everyone in the world, would _anyone_ not touch it?

So I picked it up, and I read it. I was right, it was a diary entry – all about how much I love Lily and how she should give me a chance. Nothing new. But why in Merlin's name did he purposely rip it out and leave it on the floor? Almost as if he _wanted_ someone to find it. But that doesn't make any sense – why would he want everyone reading that? Everyone already knows I love Lily.

…Except her, that is.

I read the diary entry again, and the more I read it, the more I realised it sounded like it was a message directed at Lily. As if Sirius was trying to convince her that I really do love her and I'm not just trying to annoy her. Because at the moment she thinks I don't mean it.

But if she read this…

She knows that I always tell Sirius the truth, and if she reads this, then she will know the truth once and for all! And when she does, she will fall madly and hopelessly in love with me!

When did Sirius get such a good brain?

I never thought he'd think of something so smart. It's so subtle and fantastic!

So I put the diary entry back on the ground near the couch, and I went downstairs as well, knowing that it was only a matter of time before Lily found it.

So far, I haven't seen her today, which is rather odd. I hope she's not sick. Although then I will get to send her flowers. I hope she got to pick up the paper and read it first though.

…Hey, I just had a thought.

Lily's such a nice, polite, privacy-respecting person…so what gives Sirius the idea that she would even _read_ the diary entry in the first place? Wouldn't she just leave it for whoever owned it to come and get it? That's what most nice, polite, privacy-respecting people do…Sirius knows that, because he's the exact opposite. What proof does he have that Lily would read it? Has she done it before or something?

…Uh oh. I just had another thought.

That diary entry where I said I hated her – missing, right?

And now she thinks I don't love her.

And Sirius is certain that if he leaves a diary entry lying around, she will read it.

…

PLEASE tell me what I think happened did NOT happen.

Sirius ripped that page from my diary and left it lying around for Lily to find? She read part of it, and that made her believe that deep down I hate her?

PLEASE tell me it sounds impossible.

PLEASE tell me I'm losing my mind.

…

…

…

…

PLEASE - tell me where Sirius is, so I CAN MURDER HIM!

HIS NEW PLAN HAD BETTER WORK, OR I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE HIM!

* * *

I'd tell Sirius to watch out, but…well, I'm the authoress. If James wants to kill him, so be it, I say.

And I wonder if Lily will find Sirius' diary entry as wonderful and subtle as Sirius and James think it is?


	9. I Like Him?

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

Wow…I never imagined this story would reach a NINTH CHAPTER! It's amazing to think it started out as a one-shot. But all you wonderful reviewers (sob), not to mention some of my friends – who I normally don't let anywhere NEAR my stories – you've all managed to convince me to keep going with this.

Argh I refuse to get all mushy. Let's just say, this chapter's for Laura, Joey and his sister Cherise (friends who have read so far).

Now! Back to the story! This chapter's in Lily's diary…and SHE IS ABOUT TO REALISE SOMETHING MAJOR!

* * *

I don't know whether I should love or hate Sirius Black right now.

Don't get me wrong, he's still a total jerk, but he gave me the biggest laugh I've had in ages.

It never ceases to amaze me how someone who gets top marks in all his classes can be so _stupid!_ You'll never believe what he did…

Okay. This morning I went down to the Common Room, sat in my usual seat, getting ahead on my homework. And I couldn't help but notice a piece of paper lying right by my feet. Now, after one bad experience with reading other people's things, I wasn't very likely to make the same mistake twice. So I ignored it.

It's Saturday today, so I could have breakfast late, which meant I was able to stay doing my homework for a while. I'm proud to say I didn't touch the paper at my feet. After about half an hour, the Portrait Hole opened, and in came none other than Sirius Black. I glanced over at him, just to see who it was, and I saw he was staring right at me.

So I asked him why he was looking at me. He said, "Because I was sitting there earlier this morning, and I thought I might have left something of mine there. A little blue book, you haven't seen it, have you?"

I said I hadn't. And I asked him if it was his diary. He told me that only girls use diaries – his little blue book was his 'thoughts journal'. I told him he was an idiot.

Then, as he was going up to his dormitory, he said, "I hope none of the pages fell out of my thoughts journal. I wouldn't want anyone finding out my secrets…but I guess sometimes it's good for everyone to know the _truth_ about things."

He left me there, thinking that that was a pretty cryptic thing to say. But I understood perfectly that he had just told me in a _very_ unsubtle manner, that the piece of paper at my feet was from his diary. So I couldn't help but think that he _wanted_ me to pick it up and read it. But why would he do that? My first thought was that he liked one of my friends and wanted me to tell them.

Now, like I said before, I hate reading other people's things, and I never wanted to do it again after I came across James' cruel diary entry, but Black just _invited_ me to read his. So would it be such a crime for doing what I did?

I picked it up off the ground.

It was in my hands.

I read it.

And I burst out laughing.

I couldn't help it! It was the stupidest thing I'd ever seen!

For starters, for a diary entry, it sure sounded like it was talking directly to me. And it was all about how I should loosen up and understand that James really loves me and is more than an annoying prat.

It was ridiculous!

I'll bet he was trying to be really subtle about it – just like he was when he 'told' me that the paper fell out of his diary. I can't _believe_ he planned this whole thing, just to get me to like James! Doesn't Black know that James is just pretending, that it's all an act, that deep down he really hates me? Maybe he thinks James has given up on trying to get a date with me, so _he's_ trying to set us up himself.

It's so depressing. And offending. James absolutely loathes me, and he hasn't even told his best friend.

Ever since I read James' diary entry, everything's been different. Sure, he's been declaring his love to me on a daily basis as usual, but since I know he doesn't mean it, it seems so hollow. I never thought I'd see the day when I _wanted_ to hear him say those three little words, and still think he actually meant them. But it's really easy for me to see that I miss his annoying advances. He still does them, but don't you see? I know he doesn't mean it, so it's empty.

I miss the days when I thought he loved me.

Unbelievable, right? _Me,_ missing _James._

…Hey, I just realised something. Since when do I call him by his first name?

…

Oh, gods.

I don't…I _couldn't_…

I don't…_like_ him, do I?

* * *

Dun dun duuuuun… 


	10. I'll Help This

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Hikari M, formerly Dani Wheeler-Kaiba, formerly siriusly137._

A/N: I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD! MWAHAHAHAHA!

You want to know my big secret explanation as to why I haven't updated in…oh, half a year or so? I'll tell you. It's because I SUCK! THERE! HAPPY?

Also I have had a very busy schedule. Becoming obsessed with Yugioh and then having to rule a country does take a lot of time, trust me. But considering I've actually updated this…you had better all visit my country.

If you did not understand the majority of the last paragraph, please continure as though nothing as happened.

Joey, this chapter's yours. Because you nagged me so much for it to come into existence.

Usual disclaimer and such. Don't know why I still bother with it. I'm writing on does ANYONE get fooled for a second into thinking I'm J.K. Rowling?

And this chapter, I decided to change it a bit. It's from Remus' POV instead of the usual three. Therefore I made my grammar and such a lot better than the others, because Remus strikes me as a very proper-writing boy, doesn't he? Of course he does. I'm always right.

Enjoy!

* * *

One lesson that life around James and Sirius has taught me is, don't get involved. Unless you want to seriously endanger your wellbeing. 

But I give in. I give up. I AM getting involved in this, because it's so frustrating to watch those two make idiots of themselves all the time. And even Lily's clueless as to what's going on. So isn't it only fair that I do them all a favour? Sirius and James are smart, but their plans are _really_ terrible – did they honestly think that faking a diary entry would fool Lily? So now I have to make my own plans to help them all out.

They're lucky that someone here has brains!

Okay, I'll write down my course of action here. Nothing works unless it's thoroughly planned (as two certain stupid people I know should have found out), so here we go.

Step one: Talk to Sirius. Tell him to keep his nose where it belongs because it's been proven that he only makes things worse. I still can't get over that…a _fake diary entry… _and if I'm not mistaken, it was him tearing up James' diary that led to this whole fiasco in the first place.

Step two: Hit Sirius, for reasons mentioned above.

Step three: Tell James what to do about Lily. By that I mean, _nothing_. He has to completely back off for a while. Not necessarily ignore her or anything like that, but he has to learn to treat her normally. Even if by some miracle they _did_ get together, Lily would break up with him straight away. She wouldn't be able to put up with the constant love sonnets and flowers in the Common Room and marriage proposals…

Actually, I'm not sure how she puts up with it now.

Either way, he needs to treat her like a person, not a porcelain doll.

At least for a little while, anyway, because then she'll start to miss the attention, and she'll realise she liked it. Sure, you might say that she'll be happy to have him out of her life, but I don't see it that way. There's never any harm in a good old-fashioned love-hate relationship, is there?

That's what it is. There's no doubt in my mind that deep down Lily likes James; she just needs something to bring it out. Hence comes my involvement. Because I'm so nice.

Remind me again why I'm so nice to these people.

Then again, don't.

Step four: Talk to Lily. This is probably the most important step, because I can't trick Lily. With Sirius and James I can just bribe them with food and they'll do anything, but I'll have to be completely straight with Lily.

How best to approach her…this is going to take some serious planning.

POSSIBLE CONVERSATION WITH LILY

Me: Lily, can I talk to you?

Lily: Sure, about what?

Me: James.

Lily: Oh.

Me: What's the matter?

Lily: Nothing, it's just…oh, never mind.

Me: You can tell me, you know.

Lily: Well, it's just that he's been ignoring me. Not even ignoring, really, but not giving me the same amount of attention as usual. He's not acting like he loves me, more as though he…_likes_ me. As a friend.

Me: Is that a bad thing?

Lily: Yes! Well…no, I guess not. I mean – of course it is! I mean – I don't know.

Me: You want to know what I think?

Lily: What's that, Remus?

Me: I think you like him.

Lily: What?

Me: I think you do. I think you like him, and you miss him. Can you admit that to yourself?

Lily: …I guess you're right.

There! I imagine our conversation will go pretty much exactly along those lines! Let me reiterate: I. Am. Good.

I'd say I'm a genius, but…well, that's something only Sirius says.

I'll go start putting my plans into action straight away.

* * *

Well, it didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

Sure, bribing Sirius and James was easy enough, so I completed steps one and three (I thought better of step two. Or…okay, I chickened out. But have _you_ ever seen someone hit Sirius and live?). But step four didn't exactly go according to plan.

Above is my intended conversation with her. Now I'll write what was _actually_ said.

Me: Lily, can I talk to you?

Lily: Sure, what –

Sirius (who seemed to be on a sugar high from the chocolate I bribed him with): LILY! I CAN SEE YOUR SOUL! IT'S RED! OH WAIT, THAT'S YOUR HAIR! HAHAHAHA!

Lily: Oh dear god…Remus, I swear, I'm going to murder him. Ja- I mean, Potter, too.

Me: Oh. That's…nice.

Lily: Imagine, a world without those two. How peaceful.

Me (not liking where the conversation is going): Yeah. So, can I talk to you?

Lily: Okay. About what?

Me: James.

Lily: No.

Me: No? What do you mean, no?

Lily: I mean, no, sorry, thank you but I'm not interested. I don't want to talk about him.

Me: Oh. Uh…carry on.

And I walked away.

The whole thing was rather awkward, and I got a bit flustered. I'm not made for invading people's privacy and getting involved. Maybe I should leave it to the professionals ahem Sirius cough cough

Or I could always hope that Lily and James don't need _anyone's_ help.

Has anyone tried _that_ yet?

* * *

I wrote all this chapter except for the first two paragraphs within half an hour on a Saturday night. I was bored and writing crazy fics for hours, when suddenly I thought, "I'll write this. I think it's been long enough, how hard could it be to write another chapter?"


	11. I'll Prove I Love Her

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Hikari M_

It's finally here! Chapter 11! 'Bout time, ey? Well, I bring you grave news: This is the second last chapter. I know, I share your pain. Well, not really. Quite frankly I'm happy to have finally finished something (I have indeed written the last chapter).

Might as well get a move on with it then. It's James' POV again, if for some reason you don't realise XD

And I might as well do a dedication hereabouts. Joey, since me finishing this story was your birthday present, both this and the last one are yours.

* * *

I can't remember the last time I've worked this hard in my life. I didn't have to think this hard during my OWLs! But I'm in the middle of something very important and it requires a _lot_ of concentration.

Should I tell you what this important project is?

It's called Project Lily's Birthday.

That's right, it's the love of my life's birthday. In four days, to be precise. Four days, six hours and fourteen minutes to be even _more_ precise, but you don't want to know how I know that.

I need to get her something.

Sure, Remus told me to back off, but this is a VERY special occasion! What sort of a guy in love would I be if I didn't give Lily something special? And I also need to try in _some_ way to fix the huge amount of damage caused – mainly – by Sirius with all this diary crap.

So I've been thinking all month about what to get for her. Well, I guess it's actually been more like a week. Three days. One day. Since this morning.

Okay, so maybe I could have planned this a little more.

Who would've thought Lily would be so hard to get something for? Most guys just get girls flowers or whatever, but I'm not most guys. And I get her flowers on random days anyway. This present needs to be _special! _

But I can't think of anything. Nothing that I haven't already given her before. I need some help here. Who's good at this sort of stuff? Not Sirius – last time it was one of his girlfriends' birthday, he bought her a beauty set. Sounds good, right? Until she took it to mean that she was ugly and started crying about it. He hasn't gotten a girl a present since.

I suppose I could ask Remus, but lately he hasn't been too keen on helping me with Lily issues. Last time I asked, I believe his words were: "Figure it out yourself, you idiot, if I had information about how to pick up Lily then I'd be picking her up myself!"

He's been avoiding Lily lately. Wonder if she yelled at him or something.

Who else can I turn to, then?

I'll look around the dormitory for inspiration…

A pile of books…an overflowing bin…five beds…Peter trying to do his homework…

PETER!

Uh oh, I think I scared him when I yelled out his name. Ah well, I'll make it up to him later. Right now he has to help me!

He says he doesn't know what to get her. Come on! I've got nothing here!

Now he tells me to give her something that money can't buy. Were you doing homework or reading romance novels, Peter? I haven't heard anything that sappy since Muggle Disney movies.

What was that, Peter? In Disney movies and romance novels, the guy always gets the girl?

Well…what, am I supposed to go up and tell her I love her for her birthday? How would that be different to any other day?

Peter shrugs. Hey, I'm not biting your head off, mate, this is just causing me a lot of stress. If it was any other girl, and we were under any other circumstances, your plan would be great. But even romancing it up wouldn't be enough, even though I know for a fact Lily loves that sweet, romantic stuff that I hate.

Actually…

She _does_ love it, doesn't she?

If I tell her I love her casually every day, she thinks I'm lying and being annoying.

But if I tell her I love her, in a completely fairy-tale way, she'd think it was sweet.

If it works…

What a birthday present that would be!

Four days, six hours and fourteen minutes until I give her the perfect love admission!

…four days, six hours and _thirteen_ minutes…

Ah, to hell with it. I'm doing it now. Her birthday can wait.

Thanks Peter!

* * *

I don't think there's much to say at this point except for ONE CHAPTER TO GO! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN! 


	12. I Hate You Too

**I Love Her, I Hate Her**

_Hikari M_

Wow...last chapter. This story took me ages to write! It's probably the first non-oneshot that I've ever written and completed (howpathetic is that?). And no matter how many times I've wanted this story to die because I thought it would never end, or because I thought it was crap and pointless, I still love it, because I love writing.

Ew. Me? Sap talk? It doesn't work. So I'll stop there. This last part is from Lily's POV.

Enjoy the final chapter of I Love Her, I Hate Her!

* * *

I'm alone in my dormitory. No idea where everyone else is, maybe they're still at dinner. It's nice and peaceful, and nothing – not even Black – is going to put me in a bad mood.

There's footsteps; someone's coming up here. Probably Alice or Marlene coming back –

Oh.

Hello, Ja – Potter.

What was that? Aren't I going to ask how you got into the girls' dormitories? Why bother? No point giving you something else to brag about.

Fine, go ahead and talk to me. No guarantee I'll listen, though. Excuse me? I don't _care_ if you think I should listen to you! maybe if I liked you, I would. But I don't.

…Yes, I do think the weather's nice. Now get to the point already.

You're going to make this short and sweet, Potter? Sorry, but after knowing you for this long I know you're not sweet. Perhaps stalker-like works better.

…I _know_ that wasn't nice. That was the point.

First thing's first, you say, changing the subject to stop yourself looking stupid. Any time over the past few years you've been an idiot, you're sorry.

Woah, hold on.

Sorry?

The great James Potter is sorry?

Okay, Potter, you've managed to save yourself from my redhead wrath. Keep talking.

If I don't like the attention you give me, then you promise to stop? Just like that? No more flowers, love letters, or serenading suits of armour? Well, thanks, I think. Though I guess it confirms my suspicion that you don't like me any more…I'm not disappointed though. No way.

Hmm? What did you say?

…if I ever need someone, you're here for me?

And I thought you didn't know what sweet was. I guess this explains how you've had so many girlfriends.

But I'm not falling for it! I'm not falling for your charms, Potter!

If it were anyone else, under any other circumstances, then maybe. But not you and not this way. Because I know it and you know it, Potter – you hate me as much as I hate you.

_No_, that does _not_ mean I love you! I've read your diary and I know the truth! YOU – HATE – ME.

I'd expect you to look shocked that I've read your diary, or embarrassed, or even guilty -–i never would have guessed you'd smile and hand me a small book. Yeah, I can see it's the diary. And you…want me to go get the entry that I found in the Common Room?

Fine. Here. Take it.

No?

You want me to _keep reading it?_

Hmph. I thought you made your point quite clear in the first few paragraphs, thank you.

Fine, I'll humour you.

'_I can't even bear to say her six syllables any more.' _Yes, I remember that part. Skip ahead? All right.

'_She makes me feel insecure, like I'm not good enough for anyone, especially her.'_ You? Insecure? Don't make me laugh, James. Er…Potter.

'She's too perfect…' 

What?

'The one girl I always loved…' 

No…

'_Lily Janet Evans. I love her.'_

That's… 

That means…

You don't hate me?

You tell me not quite. You _do_ hate me – but you hate me because you love me.

…

I'm not falling for this. I'm _not_ falling for your charms…

You're really telling the truth?

You smile, and I can tell I'm smiling back.

Pardon? No! Don't even think about it, James, don't you dare kiss me –

…

Bloody Potter. Did I really expect you to listen?

I hate you too.

THE END


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